literature

Perfectly Numb..Dean and Jo

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Perfectly Numb:
"Dean, you want to go get something to eat?" Sam asked, smiling.
"No" Dean said flatly, laying down on the, his head resting against the pillow, his eyes closed.
"Do you want me to switch on the TV? Look for something decent? We finally have cable, dude!" he laughed cheerfully, but his eyes troubled, assessing his elder brother's rigid features.
"No" Dean responded flatly.
"Do you want me to head out for a bit so you can watch Casa Erotica for a while?" he asked tensely, afraid Dean would say 'yes'.
"Sam," Dean finally said exasperated, "I get that you're worried about me. I'm grateful, I am, and I feel all warm and fuzzy inside with your concern. But I just want to lie here and do nothing. You do what you want. Thanks anyway" he said evenly, no trace of either anger or joy in his tone.
Sam nodded slowly, not angry or upset, merely worried. He knew Dean must feel like it was all his fault what had happened to Jo, he understood what it felt like to lose someone you love and feel like you could have saved them. It was like what Jessica dying had done to Sam, and now he was seeing it with Dean. Sam knew it was a self-destructive way to deal with the pain, and decided to attack the touchy subject head on.
"Dean, I know you feel like its all your fault and it feels like the whole world has ended, but you have to know Jo made the choice herself to save you…to come back for you…she knew how dangerous going out there would be, and she took the risk" Sam soothed.
"Sammy, I am begging you, please don't. I really cant do this right now" he said, sitting up and looking Sam right in the face, nearly in tears, his hazel-green eyes pained.
Sam smiled sadly, nodding slowly. "Okay. I'll scope the area a bit, give you some time on your own. Dean, you can talk to me about this. I do understand".
"Sammy, I appreciate it, but you don't understand how I feel. What happened to Jessica was in no way your fault. What happened to Jo was completely my fault. She's dead because of me, and I'll have to live with that" Dean strained, "But thanks" he smiled wryly.
Sam smiled sadly at Dean again, standing slowly, and nimbly taking the coat off the back of his chair. He swiftly moved from the room, leaving Dean to his tortured thoughts.

Dean sighed heavily, shifting uncomfortably on the bed, and sitting forward. He reached across to the bedside table, picking up the remote, and flicking through the channels. He was vaguely aware of watching an ad for hemroide cream, before giving up and throwing the remote to the bottom of the bed in defeat. He hauled himself from the bed, sluggishly moving to the bathroom.
Dean stopped in front of the mirror, and rubbed his tired eyes, and turning on the faucet. He let the water run through his fingers, feeling the icy blast against his skin,  making Goosebumps appear along his arms. He bent heavily over the sink, and splashed the water into his face, trying to rub the concern and worry lines from his face and mind. I didn't work, he sighed heavily and walked back to the bed, sitting on the edge of it.
His mind buzzed with questions, all of them being very hard on himself. He closed his eyes again, trying to push the hideous and lasting images from his mind.
"Why?" he chocked, unable to stop himself.
"Why her? Why not me?" he stuttered tearfully.
"She didn't deserve this. She was just trying to protect me!" he yelled to the empty room.
"Its my fault she's dead" he whispered, finally letting the sorrow overwhelm his emotions, the tears coming fast and hard now, running down his cheeks, betraying his carefully composed mask. Dean tried to push the image of her from his mind; her smile, her face, her blue eyes, the way her blonde hair flowed down her back, her laugh, her sweet and brave personality, how when she wasn't threatening to kick his ass she could be the most compassionate person on earth.
The little voice in the back if Dean's mind called dismally out to him.
She was a hindrance, something you didn't need…an annoyance…she got in the way…its probably good she's dead…the voice said colourlessly. This was the soldier-warrior side of his mind speaking, a side he didn't particularly like, but needed in times of distress…sometimes its better to be distant and cold.
"No. She loved me…and I loved her" he cried, falling back against the mattress, his arm covering his eyes.
He cried freely now, not even trying to stop himself…he didn't care anymore. "Jo…" Dean murmured to the darkening room.
Jo Harvelle wasn't another demon or Hell monster that he wanted to kill or send back to Hell. She was a real person, someone he cared for deeply, and it was only as she was dying that he was afraid of losing her…to never see her again that he woke up and grasped how much he cared. It was easy for Dean to bottle up his emotions…ever since his mother had died, he had to be the strong one, not just for Sam, but for his father as well. The more he kept all that anger, desperation and fear to himself, the more it tore him up piece by piece…being in Hell was…well it was like Hell…but it was something he could deal with, it took all his strength, but he could deal. This was different; it wasn't a monster, demon or even and angel related annoyance…it was something real…something he couldn't run from.
The idea of never seeing her again, never hearing that little nagging siren voice in his ear, telling him what was right and wrong filled him with such crippling despair, he felt like he couldn't breath…it felt like someone had ripped out his heart with their bare hands. The sight of her bleeding and broken on the floor…it was stuck in his head and pushed all images of her from his mind. He wished he had have told her everything…how much she had meant to him…the most he could manage was a kiss…a kiss to sum up all he wanted to say. Dean would have given anything to bring her back; a deal with a  demon, he would give anything…he'd put himself back in the Inferno if it meant Jo was alive again. Agree to be the angel's whipping boy, fine…fix Jo and they had a no-strings-attached agreement. He would have given anything and more to have her back.
Dean lay in his crippled position, not caring if anyone walked in on him, desperate for the world to swallow him whole.

Dean carefully pulled himself up from his cowering position on the bed, the air around him suddenly freezing. His natural instincts kicked in and he sprawled across the room for his bag, pushing two rocksalt cartridges into the shotgun, glancing around the room ready to fire.
"Easy tiger" laughed a painfully recognisable voice beside him.
Dean glanced downwards with exaggerated slowness, afraid to see whatever presence was there. Even in atomic bomb he would have heard that voice, clear as a bell.
"Jo…" he whispered, not believing his eyes.
"Hey, Dean" she smiled.
"This is just great" he laughed derisively, keeping the shotgun trained on the apparitions head, "Now I'm either hallucinating or you're some demon trick here to gank me".
"Neither, ya idiot" she chuckled, standing up and moving towards Dean.
"Then what the Hell are you?" he snapped, beyond startled.
"A ghost, moron" she said, her impish grin pulling at the sides of her mouth, her eyebrows raised, "I'm here because of you."
Dean let the shotgun fall to his side in defeat, terrified that even the slightest movement would make it all turn out to be just a dream, and he'd wake up in turmoil and agony again.
"Dean, I'm not going to hurt you. I just want to talk" she whispered, now only a few inches from him. She reaching out with her hands, spread out in a show of surrender.
He couldn't believe what he was seeing. He had seen multiple dead bodies, vampires, werewolves, ghouls, demons and angels…but the ghost of the woman he loved was somehow beyond his comprehension. He opened and closed his mouth not sure what to say or how to say it, his smart Alec comment vault seemed to be empty at the moment.
"What do you mean because of me?" he whispered.
"What happened to me, Dean, wasn't your fault. I choose to come back for you. I choose to put myself in harm's way. Not you. You have to forgive yourself" she said softly, moving closer to him, "You have to let go."
"It is my fault, Jo. You're dead because of me and the crappy Apocalyptic war that I put you and your mom in the middle of" Dean shot back, determined to defend his right to self loathing.
"No, its not. Stop being so God damned stubborn and get over yourself!" she snapped, all kindness gone.
"Yeah, its definitely you" he smiled sarcastically, both of them smiling crookedly at one another, measuring each other.
"I cant lose you, Jo" he said quietly, "Not again."
"Dean, you will never lose me. But you cant torture yourself because of something that you had no control over. Please, you have to forgive yourself" she pleaded.
Dean closed his eyes, wishing he hadn't seen her, feeling the tears building again. He shook his head, chuckling. "How can I get over you? You're the voice in my head, for better or worse, telling me what is right and wrong".
"Then let me be that voice, but you cant hold onto that anger and pain. It'll destroy you" she sighed.
He stood staring at her, not believing she could ask him to give her up. He wasn't good with touchy feely.
"So, how are you?" he said cheerfully, attempting to change the subject.
"Cant complain" she laughed, moving closer to him, breaching the gap between them.
"Why are you here?" he asked in a conversational tone, "I heard that REO are in concert".
"Dean, I'm here because you cant let go. I'm not an avenging spirit, I'm not here to haunt you or anything. I'm only here because…you have to forgive yourself, or I cant move on".
"So stay with me" he smiled, like a child trying to get away with bad behavior with a parent.
"Dean. Be realistic" she groaned. "There are bigger fish to fry like, I dunno, Lucifer walking the earth and all".
Dean smiled sadly, wanting desperately to reach out to Jo, to touch her,  to hold her…but he couldn't…there's a reason why Casper was depressed in the first place…poor little guy never got a hug.
"Just tell me what you have been needing to say to me. That's a start" Jo shrugged.
Dean chuckled, nodding. "Okay. You're a pain in the ass…you're too tough skinned for your own good, you have a definite attitude problem…and anger issues…and, to me, your perfect, you always have been…I love you, and I always have. You had me at 'don't move or I shoot'".
Jo's smile stretched across her face, she could feel herself glowing. "And I love you, Dean" she laughed, reaching out with her fingertips to stroke his cheek. Her skin wasn't as cold as he was expecting; it was more of a fuzzy feeling then anything running across his skin. Dean closed his eyes, marvelling at how fantastic her slight touch made him feel, placing his rough hand over her's, and for a moment he swore he could actually feel her physically. He wondered with a smile what else she could do.
"No, Dean" Jo sighed, as though reading his mind.  
"Damn" he grinned, leaving his hand over Jo's.
"I gotta go now, lover" she sighed, removing her fingers reluctantly.
"Do you?" Dean whined, searching for her again.
"Listen to me okay?" she ordered. Dean simply nodded like a child.
"Take care of Sam, he's got something big and nasty heading his way. Look out for Bobby…and Cas as well. He a may be an almighty kick ass angel, but he got his Heaven gym membership revoked and not as all mighty as he used to be. Plus, the guy just cant throw a punch" she advised humouredly, "More importantly, keep your chin up and look after yourself. Give Lucifer a good whopping for me, he has one earned. And don't let me catch you up there anytime soon, or so help me, I'll swing for you".
"I promise" he chocked, holding back the tears.
"I'll be keeping my eye on you, so keep it decent" she warns mockingly.
All Dean can manage is a forlorn smile.
Just as suddenly as she had been there she was gone, departing with a sad smile, a wave, and leaving Dean with a deflated yet fulfilled feeling. He was left alone in the darkening room, with the warm tingly feeling of her touch spread over his face, and his heart feeling healed, the wounds closing up.
Dean stood in the centre of the room, the shotgun still in hand, smiling happily and openly. He had been desperate to talk to her once more, to tell her how he felt…Dean knew that he would always feel like Jo's and Ellen's death would be his fault, but it would be the same for any hunter losing someone close to them. He would have to learn to accept it and move on, relying on the belief that Jo would always be there, watching over him like a guardian angel.
Dean was vaguely aware of the door to the room opening slowly, and someone entering. He assumed it was Sam as Bobby entered a room like a rampaging bull, and Cas didn't really walk anywhere.
"Dean, you okay?" Sam hedged, entering the room, having heard his brother talking to someone.
"Sammy? Yeah…I'm…I saw Jo" Dean snorted, flopping the shaft of the gun against his leg.
"You saw Jo?" Sam asked worriedly, noticing the gun in Dean's hand with apprehension.
"Yeah…we talked, and she's okay…she's not mad at me or anything. Dude, I think she's in Heaven…and she told me she'd be looking over us, watching us" Dean smiled, turning to look at Sam, his optimism sky high. He noticed Sam gazing anxiously at the gun in his hand, "Oh, dude, no. I thought it was a bad ghost…but it was Jo the friendly ghost" he joked.
"Dean, are you going to be alright?" he asked carefully.
"Yeah, Sammy. I'm going to be fine" Dean smiled at his brother, worry lines creasing his young face, his eyes troubled.
"Okay, well we better get moving. Cas called saying he needs our help in Shadow Creek, Michigan" Sam said slowly, emphasising each word, moving the bags around the room, packing away all their gear.
Dean nodded, smiling crookedly and handing Sam the loaded shotgun. Sam hurriedly stuffed clothes into bags, and hid the gun with the others in his bag, snatching the car keys and the room keys off the desk.
"Come on, Dean" he called over his shoulder.
Dean turned to leave, following Sam from the room. Dean stopped in the doorway, gazing at the spot where Jo had appeared to him.
"I love you, Jo" he said lovingly, and left the room, shutting the door behind him with a click.
i got overly bored, i'll wholly admit it from the bottom of my heart...i loved Jo...and i always thought Jo would have been great for Dean...but alas, no...so here is my very first PUBLIC fanfic...hope you like it :)

Description: the story takes place after AAH s5...Dean is in mourning for Jo, and cant cope with the loss of someone so important to him...Sam can see his brother's distress...and if you read it, you'll get what the "dot dot dot" leads to ;)

all copyright and everything else to mr. kripke and whoever else is connected to Supernatural...all the characters are his, all i did was have a laptop, working internet and nothing to do :)
© 2010 - 2024 dfueg27
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JoWinchester401's avatar
"..her blue eyes..." Jo has brown eyes